Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
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I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Don’t forget to tip your server
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.