yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
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I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
getting groceries
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.