I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
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I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck