I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
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*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds