As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
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It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.