dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
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Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Always leave them wanting their money back.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
❤️🦆
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous