A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
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I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*