Bruh PLEASE
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
This will teach them to underestimate me
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
You’re like if “nope” was a person.