What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
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A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot