Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
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*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I have two kinds of followers
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi