I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
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People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
thank god
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’