Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
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I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner