*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
some things should go without saying
Ooh I do like a good funnel
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen