blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
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I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢