*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
thanksgiving should be called feaster
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.