Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
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I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
how to exercise your calf muscles
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class