Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
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*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
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Me: Same.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch