I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
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Nose
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
me: my friends:
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms