You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
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That’s not how days work.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
You got this…
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein