my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
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Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
my professor scared me for a second
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
☺️
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane