[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
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“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.