I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
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The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
no
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here