*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
You Might Also Like
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.