I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
You Might Also Like
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
me and who
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.