*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
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Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.