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When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Every damn time
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.