we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
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Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.