Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
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Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.