I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
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accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread