When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
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We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Super Hand Dog Face
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Barbie gone wild
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I believe the plural is “milves.”
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods