*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
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My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by