I don’t think my car can fly
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Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Found the job I’m suited for
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?