My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
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Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell