Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
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[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?