i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
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old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
mood
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that