marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
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My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*