Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
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My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired