I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
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🤣🤣
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
@funTweeters
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.