I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
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There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.