I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
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The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.