Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
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[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils