I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
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My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.