Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
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My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Rich people don’t understand cereal
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Best spoiler warning ever
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.