Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
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i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!