i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
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[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.