Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
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If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.