still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
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I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
i’m laughing very hard in real life
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar