Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Great game to play with friends
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?