Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
You Might Also Like
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Truth
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.