A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
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Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Traveler’s camo
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.